


Forgive Yourself

by ParanoidRobonoid



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lapis is depressed, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Vent Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-24 22:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22005520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParanoidRobonoid/pseuds/ParanoidRobonoid
Summary: Lapis carries a lot of baggage that she doesn’t let people see. What happens when it gets to be too much?
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Forgive Yourself

Her head was pounding. Throbbing. Aching with so many mixing emotions she couldn’t see straight. Though the blur could very well have just been the water collected on her lower lids, smudging everything around her as her arms shook, fists balled so tight her nails dug into her skin. She felt sick. Her stomach twisted in a nauseating dance as the raw emotions festered within her. 

“Lapis...?”

A quiet, concerned voice broke through the turbulent vortex of self-hatred, the voice of the only one the ocean gem ever truly cared about the wellbeing of. To hear her sweet - though high-pitched and nasally - voice call out to her in such a soft, caring tone... 

Lapis grit her teeth harder than she had been, nails biting her palms painfully, her eyes squeezing shut as twin streams stained her cheeks. The low rumble of a deep growl escaped her throat before she spun around, the water she had been staring into coming to life and whirling around her, nearly splashing the short engineer. “Go away! I don’t want you here!”

The venom-laced words didn’t seem to faze the green gem in the slightest. “Lapis, what’s wrong?”

Something dark and malicious washed over the terraformer, swept her up into a rage, the water surrounding them warbling and pulsing as she lost control, everything around her nothing but a mix of varying shades of gray blending together into an indistinguishable mass, forcing her to close her eyes before it drove her further into insanity. “Me! I’m what’s wrong! I’m nothing but a monster with absolutely no redeeming qualities! I’ve done nothing but hurt people and innocent creatures my entire life! I may try to be nice. I may try to hide my feelings. I may act like the guilt doesn’t tear me apart but nothing is ever going to change what I am!” The tiniest sliver of a crack in her eyelids permitted her the smallest glimpse of green contrasting the gray of the rest of the world, that sample of color moving closer and igniting panic in her chest. She shook her head vigorously, manipulating the liquid to envelop her in a bubble-like shield, freezing it into a thick layer of translucent ice to prevent the gem from stepping too near her. “I’m dangerous, Peridot! I’m toxic! From the very start, I treated you so horribly despite you making so many efforts to understand me. Why would you want to be near someone like me?! Are you insane?! I broke your most prized possession out of anger from something you had no part of. I resisted your efforts to console me when the memories came. I stole your home and left you behind as though you were nothing!!” Blue hands rose to fold together by her chest, quivering uncontrollably as agony she’d never experienced before splintered down her form. She could feel her gem pulsating energy on her back as her emotions grew more and more uncontrollable, and it just made her loathing more intense. With any luck, she WOULD shatter and rid the world of her existence. “But you’re not nothing. You never were. I didn’t act like it, I refused to accept it, but you were the only comfort I ever had. And I didn’t deserve it!” Her hands flung themselves back to her sides, nails piercing the flesh once again. “I wanted to cling to you. I wanted to see you smile. I grew possessive over you. I would shatter anyone that hurt you. And yet I’m the one who caused you the most pain!” 

Lapis fell to her knees, her hands clutching fistfuls of her hair at the root as she doubled over. “I’m the one who took everything from you...” The horrendous pain spreading from her gem was unbearable, and the sickening cracking noise that followed left no doubt what was going to happen. “You didn’t deserve the horrible things I’ve done to you...” Her voice shook with her cries, scratchy from the strain her screeching had put on her throat. Tears dropped onto the ground, darkening the soil where they touched. “You didn’t deserve to be involved with the likes of me...” another loud crack. “I was selfish in accepting the love you’d shown me. I should’ve pushed you away. Should’ve told you to give it to someone who deserves it. But I-“

The crunch of ice breaking drew her water-filled eyes upward just as a segment of her barricade crumbled to the ground, the green gem forcing her way through the small opening she had somehow created. Lapis’s eyes widened as anxiety split through her, her form drawing in a loud gasp as she instinctively converted the chunks of ice now laying on the ground into water to form a liquid shield between them. “Peridot, get out, I -“

Arms flung themselves around her neck and an uncomfortable weight pushed down on her as the technician ignored the small barrier and dropped to her knees in front of her. “Lapis, stop. Just stop. Stop saying those things, they aren’t true!” Her voice was strained and quivering which only made the water gem feel worse. Only intensified the self-reproach racking her body. She had made Peridot cry. The revelation brought another crack, Lapis’s form warping and glitching painfully as she fought to stay together. 

“Peri-“

“STOP! I’m not going anywhere. Just...please stop. Before you shatter. You’re not a monster, Lapis...” The hold the shorter gem had on her tightened, the technician sniffling as the wet warmth of a teardrop made contact with Lapis’s skin. “I don’t care about the past. I don’t care about the tape recorder. I don’t care that you took the barn. You were scared. You didn’t know what to do. You’d been through more pain than anyone, of course you weren’t going to trust things to magically be okay. What matters is you’re here now and you’re getting better. I’ve been so proud watching your growth these last few years... you’re really coming into your own and becoming the gem I always knew were. You’re gentle and loving and creative at your core and that’s what I love about you.” More sniffling and gasping, this time on both parts as Lapis alighted her hands on Peridot’s back in the barest of touches. “Stop torturing yourself. It’s not worth it. Forget everything else and focus on who you are now. I’ve forgiven you. Steven’s forgiven you. It’s time you forgive yourself.”

Uncontrollable whimpers and sobs shook Lapis, making her glitching harder to control as she hugged Peridot with everything she had. “I’m so sorry...”

“Shhhh... please calm down. You’ve got to before you...” the technician shook her head, leaning more into the ocean gem and squeezing tighter as if she could hold Lapis’s form together herself. “I don’t want to lose you, Laz. I can’t... we have to get you to Steven.” The mechanic sniffled and pulled herself away to stand, a hand moving to her face to wipe the moisture from her cheeks, her thumb trailing against her eyes. Her other hand reached out for Lapis’s, and the ocean gem hesitated before accepting the help and putting her hand in hers, lifting to her feet despite the unfathomable pain plaguing her entire form with every movement. The bubble of ice was melted away, water crashing down on their heads and the ground around them as Peridot wrapped an arm around Lapis. 

The ocean gem could hardly walk. She felt incredibly pathetic crying out with each agonizing step but the torture was too much as she was led to the warp pad. Peridot’s eyes never left her, and Lapis could see her brows furrowed together in concern without even glancing at her. If she looked at the girl’s face now, the guilt would shatter her instantly. All she could do was wobble and limp pathetically, using every ounce of her remaining strength to keep her form together, and allow herself to be dependent on Peridot for support as she was guided to the nearest warp. If she survived... a ridiculous display of appreciation for the short gem was in order.

**Author's Note:**

> It is possible to die from heartbreak or other intense emotions that stress out your heart. I’ve induced mini heart attacks in myself with my emotions a couple times. Not pleasant, especially the medical bills.  
> Needed to vent before it happened again and Lapis is the character I relate to most, and is the one I could most easily see struggling with herself.
> 
> I just want Lapis to be happy. Believe it or not :p  
> Purposefully left open-ended so you can imagine for yourself what happens next. Does she shatter on the way to the warp? Does she make it? What does her display of appreciation entail? You decide!


End file.
